The true story of random fairy tales
by KuroiShi
Summary: Fairy tale characters who are concidered bad guys, explain what really hppened. (The true story of the Gingerberad man, Sleeping beauty, little red Riding Hood, Hansel and Grettel, Jack and the beanstalk)
1. The true story of the Gingerbread man

The true story of the gingerbread man.  
Kuroi Shi  
  
Dedicated to Dianna.  
  
Run run run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man. . . Hee hee hee. . . It's because of that stupid cookie, that I ended up in prison. Hee hee. How can a cookie put a wolf in prison? you may ask. It's simple, I live in a fairy tale world, and everyone loves all that is small and sweet. But the small, sweet things, are really EVIL! They are all the spawn of the devil! They are all out to get me I tell you!! All sent from hell to imprision wolves, witches, and giants. and they are going to take over the world !! The WORLD!! Hee hee heee... Hee hee hee!! Haa ha haa!!!!!   
  
*Floosh . . . *Psquitoo* Flobischk* (Translation - Tranquilizer dart shoots out of a gun. Dart hits Mr wolf right in the neck. Wolf falls to the floor.)  
  
3 hours later  
  
Dude. I feel like I've just been drugged, and unconcious for 3 hours. Hey. . . The room is squishy again. WHOO HOO!  
  
Anyway. I assume you would like to know why a cookie drove me to insanity. . . So, I'll tell you. . . . The main reason, was because it was a cookie! And it talked! Cookies can't talk. That's enough to drive anyone mad.  
  
I was fishing in a rather large river, because I was starving, And, all I wanted was a fish.   
  
I heard lots of shouting off in the distance, and then I heard "Run run run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man." It sounded like a whole lot of people, and various creatures were chasing something. . . A gingerbread man. It was rather unusual to hear someone being chased around here. . . Expecally a cookie. Because, the only people that lived anywhere near this river were an old couple. And all they did was bake all day long. And . . . It was a cookie. An inanimate object. A snack food. Cookies couldn't talk. So, I assumed I had heard wrong.   
  
Occasionally, the old couple would give me a muffin. Because they knew how hard fishing is. They were nice people. I was seriously concidering going to visit them again, to keep myself from passing out from hunger.  
  
So, I has just caught the biggest trout you had ever seen, (Now, where have I heard that before?) when a little dude came running up up beside me.   
  
"You have to help me!" He shouted. He yelled so loud, he scared the giant fish (Actually, the fish was rather small . . But hey, I can dream can't I) off my hook.   
"I ran away from an old lady, and an old man, and a bunch of animals, and I will run away from you too. But. . . First I need your help. See, I have a whole bunch of people chasing me, and I am at a dead end. If I cross the river, I will surely become soggy, and die." said the little dude  
"Are you a cookie?" I asked  
"I'm the gingerbread man." he replied.  
"Well, I suppose I can help you. But, what's in it for me?"   
"Umm. . . I will give you some food."  
  
I thought a talking cookie was a bit odd, And I didn't know if I could trust him. He may have made a similar promise to everything that's chasing him. But, he did promise food, and I guess I'm gulliable, so I believed the little dude.  
  
"Get on my back. I'll swim you across." I told the little sugary snack food.  
  
He jumped on my back, and I began walking acrossthe lake. When the water began to get deep, I realized that I did not know how to swim. I told the little dude he would have to climb up on my head, so I could still touch the ground, and he wouldn't die.  
  
The water got a bit deeper, and I had to tell the little guy to climb a bit higher. He got on my nose, as I tried to hold it up above the water. I felt really hungry. Because It had been several hours since I had last eaten. Without food, I would probably not be able to make it across the river. Just then, I realized that the little dude had jumped off my nose, and was standing on a dock in the river. I too jumped on that dock.   
  
"Ha ha SUCKER!" Said the little dude. "I wasn't really going to give you food. . . FOOLED YOU!!"  
"But, you're just a cookie." I told him.  
"Yes, But, I am one smart cookie." He said. "Run Run run, as fast as you can, You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man."  
  
Then that little peice of slightly burnt ginger flavoured sugar, covered in pink icing, walked right up to me, and kicked me hard, in the shins. As he did that, his little gingerbread leg fell off.   
  
"Ahh!! Cannibal!!" He shouted.  
"Cannibal? But, you are a cookie." I told him.  
"Run run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man." Then, he punched me in the leg, with his little gingerbread arm."  
  
And, that little arm cookie flew off too.  
  
Once again he said "Run run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man." Then, the little dude crawled off, so very slowly.  
  
Since I was still really hungry, and the little dude didn't give me the food he promised me, I ate the arm and leg he had left behind.  
  
Just as I was eating the last little bit of slightly soggy gingerbread arm, what was left of the cookie man returned, with a cop. I was arrested. Apparantly, I was trying to trick the little dude into jumping into my mouth while I was helping him across the river, and I had managed to get his arm and leg, as he was trying to escape my monstrous fangs. The cop wouldn't believe that his arm and leg flew off when he punched, and kicked me, because that cookie said he was "Too scared to defend myself" And, everyone believes who ever is small and sweet.   
  
So now. . . Because of a little cookie, I am a bit crazy. We get cookies for desert today. . . Of corse, I refuse to eat it. . . It talks to me "Run run run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man." Hee hee hee!! Sing my little cookie!!  
  
*Insert tranquillizer dart sounds here*   
  
*Three hours later*  
  
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. 


	2. The true story of sleeping beauty

The true story of Sleeping Beauty.  
Kuroi Shi  
  
Dedicated to Michael Jackson, Elton John, and Richard Simmons. Why? Because all three if them make a guest appearance here.  
  
Warnings: Michael Jackson, Elton John, and Richard Simmons bashing. . .   
  
Hi. I'm a witch. Big suprise huh? I was charged for murder. For killing an innocent child, for no reason at all. But, I didn't do anything wrong! I was just doing my job. I used to work as an undercover agent for the CIA. But, they accused me of abusing my authority, so they fired my ass.  
  
This is my story.  
  
I was on a secret mission, I had to find a family of murders, and destroy them. I was going to a castle, where the CIA suspected the family of serial killers to be living. I knew the people who lived in the castle. They used to be my best friends, but when I got a job with the CIA, they feared me, as if they had somehting to hide.  
  
I arrived at the castle during a celebration for the birth of a new baby. The Fairys were there. The fairys were three sisters (Richard Simmons, Michael Jackson, and Elton John) They showed up to many calebrations, or parties thrown by royalty, to give a gift to who ever the party is for. Even the young prince of the city was there. He was nine years old. He is supposed to marry the new baby that the party is for.  
  
I entered the room where the celebration was taking place. Just to be sure I was at the right place, I called my headquarters. Yep, I was at the right place, It was the parents, and the new baby I was supposed to kill. Since I really didn't feel right about killing a baby, or her parents, I decided to use a spell. They were wanted criminals, and I had to get rid of them, but no one specified how. So, I decided the spinning wheel. Tis a very unpredictable weapon, so no one will suspect it. The next time anyone in that family commited a big crime, (Ie, Murder) that person would prick thier finger on a spinning wheel, and die. Sure it sounded morbid, but these parents were murderers, and because they were royalty, and had scary drag queen magic fairys on thier side, no one would arerst them.  
  
I arrived just in time to watch the gifts being given. Elton John, the pink fairy was up first. "I give your daughter the gift of song. so when she is older, she will sing as well as me."   
  
Next, came Michael Jackson, the purple fairy. "I give your daughter the gift of beauty. When she is older, she will look as pretty as me."  
  
Since these gifts were getting cornier by the minute, I decided to tell them what I was going to do, as a warning, so they wouldn't be too surprised when a spinnig wheel showed up in thier bedroom.  
  
"I have something for everyone" I said. As I walkes into the room, from a dark hallway "The next time your daughter, or anyone in your family commits homocide, You will prick your finger on a spinning wheel and die." Then, I just left. I didn't want to see what Richard Simmons, the rainbow sparkly fairy, had to give.   
  
I returned to my CIA headquarters. And, I was fired. How Not fair! I was doing my job. In a slightly less violent, than massacre, while still being creative way, But, I was still doing it. Those bastards! They said I didn't do what I was told, and used my power to scare people into leaving the life of crime. (But, Isnt that what prison does?) They said I should have killed them. How unfair.  
  
15 years later . . .   
  
To protect thier daughter, Jennifer-Rose Lopez from me, her parents sent her to live with the fairys. I know they only sent her away, because they didn't want thier daughter to grow up with a bunch of murders.  
  
On Jennifers sixteenth birthday, two of the fairys were found dead in thier little house, and a spinning wheel had appeared. Someone in that royal family had killed those fairys. . . But who? Well, I would soon find out.  
  
A few hours later, I got my answer. (Did I mention I became a Jennifer-Stalker?) Jennifer was found by her parents, beside a spinning wheel. I went to thier castle, to make sure my spell worked. It didn't. She was only asleep.   
  
Richard, the rainbow sparkly fairy popped up beside me.  
  
"You were right, they were killers. And to think, I actually saved her life. She is sleeping, not dead. She will be awakened by the kiss of some random (Yes, Random, Not handsome) prince. I changed your spell to save - -" Jennifers parents stabbed Richard.  
"Damn you, Witch! You killed our daughter! We will see you in court."  
  
Two weeks later, I was in court. Because my only witness was killed, I had no proof that the royal family were a bunch of homocidal maniacs, and because Jennifer was still unconcious, I was accused of murder. The CIA wouldn't back me up, they thought I was guilty too.  
  
It's been 20 years since I was sent here to "The prison for fairy tale bad guys" Jennifer woke up. She was kissed by the boy that was arranged to marry her, since she was born. I still wasn't released even though she was still alive. . . Injustice.  
  
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. 


	3. The true story of Little red riding hood

The true story of the little red riding hood.  
  
Dedicated to Stef. (aka Evilchuchu.) Why? because I feel like it. And, Evilchuchu needs fanfics dedicated to her too.  
  
Hi. My name is wolf. Not Big Bad Wolf, It's just 'Wolf.' Where big bad came from, I have no clue. Now, I am in the "Prison for fairy tale bad guys." With several witches, Giants, and Tons of wolves. Almost all of us have been wrongfully accused. Wolves are good creatures after all. . . And, witches and giants are just miss-understood.  
Anyway, I bet you don't care about that stuff. So, I will tell you my story. And, You can decide for yourself who is guilty.  
  
  
I was walking through a well lit forest path, in mid-morning - Not a deep dark forest - To visit my best friend, Granny. Earlier that morning, I got a call from her. She said she was sick, and asked me to visit her, and being the good best friend that I am . . . I wen't to see if she was ok. She probably only had a cold anyway, and was just using being sick as an excuse for me to visit her.   
  
So anyway, while I was walking through the forest, I met up with Little Red. (That's not actually her name. It is really Stef.) Little Red was picking flowers by the path in the forest, and was carying a basket. I assumed it was full of chocolate cakes, and muffins, because Little Red always brings chocolate when her great aunt in sick. (No, she is not Little Red's grandmother, her real grandmother, is Granny's sister.) And, I don't even think she likes chocolate. I stopped to talk to her.  
  
"What are you doing here" I asked her.  
"Visiting my granny. Every time I call, and tell her I'm comming, she is never home when I arrive." Little red replied.  
"What's in the basket?"  
"That's none of you'r business mr Wolf."  
  
At that time, I decided to take the short cut to granny's house, and warn her of the little chick. When I arrived, I just walked in to her house. She told me that I didn't need to knock. I went up to her room, and the door was already open. I found her working out to her favourite Richard Simmons tape. She liked to stay healthy, and in good shape.  
  
"Hi" I said as I walked into her bedroom "You don't look sick to me"  
"Oh? But, I was really sick this morning." She explained. "Let's play hide and seek."  
"Alright. But, Little Red is comming over."  
"Crap. She should have called first. Give me a chance to escape. . . . You're counting!" Granny took off running. I counted to twenty.  
  
"18 . . . 19 . . . 20." I took off searching for granny. It would proabably take me at least 1 hour to look for her. She hides in the weirdest places. I went to the kitchen, and looked in the cupboards. Just as I expected, it was full of cakes from Little Red. While I was searching, I heard a knock in the door. It was probably little Red. Because I didn't know where Granny was, I did the only thing I could think of. I dressed up in a nightgown, and got in Granny's bed.  
  
Little Red, Being the rude little person that she is, just walked right in to the house, and into Granny's room, without even waiting to be let in. I tried my best to get under the covers, so she couldn't see my face. But, I wasn't fast enough.  
  
"Eek! Who are you, and what are you doing in my Granny's bed!" She shriked. (That "What big eyes you have" stuff, didn't happen.)   
"You know who I am, Little Red."  
"Ahh!! He knows my name!" Little Red took off running out of Granny's room, and her house. I got out of bed, and resumed looking for Granny.  
  
Ten minutes later, She reurned with a cop. Not a lumberjack. The cop arrested my, for murder.  
  
At the trial, Granny showed up. You'd think proof that she wasn't dead would be enough to set me free, but Red convinced the jury that I threw her in the closet (Which was where she was hiding) and was going to kill her later. No one would believethat we were playing a game. Red told the jury that she was scared into helping me. Apparantly I would kill her if she testified against me.  
  
I got life in prison, for attempted murder. But I'm up for parole in only 17 years!! Depressing isn't it.  
  
That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 


	4. The true story of Hansel and Grettel

The True story of Hansel and Grettel  
Kuroi Shi  
  
Dedicated to Personification of fluff. Because, the witch is a veggie.  
  
Hi. I am one of the many witches here at "The prison for fairy tale bad guys." I was arrested for threatning to eat children. Can you believe that! I wouldn't eat a child! I'm a vegetarian. So, Because of two cute, innocent looking kids, I am stuck here for life. But, that is why most of us are here. The cute kids are evil man. . . EVIL!!! Only because everyone believes them. Those kids got millions of dollars when I was found guilty. This is my story.  
  
One day, some time in the middle of winter, in my costomized candy house - Those things aren't cheap ya know. But, I am a rich lady. - I was cooking me some vegetable soup for dinner. It wasn't snowong outside, because I was living in California at the time, and besides, and candy house wouldn't survive the snow. It isn't too good in rain either, so I have several umbrella's sticking out of the roof.  
  
Anyway, While I was cooking, I heard someone gnawing on my front door - Which is made of chocolate. - I went to see if it was the crows again. But, instead of birds, there were two children there, a boy, and a girl. I told them both to come inside.  
  
The kids told me why they were eating my house. They said that thier parents couldn't afford to feed them any more, so at about 3 in the morning, their parents took them deep in the forest that surrounded thier house. The kids left a bread trail that they could follow back, but the crows ate the trail, and when they tried to find thier way back home they got completly lost. The were walking through the forest for a week, living off of rain water, and then they found my house.  
  
Frankly, I was quite suprised that 2 kids as young as they were (7 and 9) were able to survive in a forest like that for more than an hour. And, what shocked me even more was the fact that thier parents would actually abandon them like that.  
  
Well, since I was a milloinaire, I decided I would let them stay with me. Because I would be a bad person of I told them they had to leave. They both looked sick, and thin.   
  
I showed them to the spare bed room, and told them that they were welcome to stay as long as they wanted. And, If they ever felt up to it, we could take a ride on my broomstick, to try and find thier parents.  
  
They told me they were thirsty, and asked if I had anything to drink, that wasn't water. So I offered them some fruit punch (I don't believe in milk, because it comes from cows.) But, before I left, I got thier names. Hansel, and Grettel.  
  
When I returned to thier room, I brought drinks, and a huge plate of fried vegetables. - I gave them the ones I was cooking for my dinner when this story began. - After that, they went to sleep.  
  
At about 10 pm, I got a phone call from a friend of mine. We were exchaning Tofu recipies. The little boy, Hansel, came down the stairs for a drink while I was on the phone. I think he was afraid of Tofu or something, because as soon as he heard ne say "So, I should fatten them up first, then they will look, and taste like Turkey?" The little boy dropped his glass and ran up the stairs. - Hey, I may be a veggie, but I still like the taste of turkey.  
  
That morning I cooked some pancakes for the kids for breakfast. When I brought it to thier room, one of them yelled "You will not eat me you evil witch! But, I'll take yout pancakes!"   
  
I assumed the children were just playing a little game, so I just let it go.  
  
For dinner that night, I took my friends advice, and made a Tofu turkey. and fattened my Tofu's up with soya sauce, Turkey broth and water, and she was right. It was easier to shape it into a turkey, when the Tofu was fattened.  
  
While I was bent over the oven, basting my tofu turkey, both of the kids came up behind be, pushed me into the oven, then ran like hell outside, and into the forest. Lucky for me, the oven wasn't on really high, because if it was, my tofu turkey would have melted. But, I did burn my hands pretty badly on the rack in the oven.  
  
I got up out of the oven, and I bandaged up my, now blistering hands, and turned off the oven, because my turkey was done. I was rather mad. After I took those children into my home, and fed them, they try to kill me.  
  
While I was eating my turkey, there was a knock on my door. the children were there with a cop. the police officer arrested me for attempted murder, and cannibalism.  
  
At the trial, the little boy told the judge all about hearing me on the phone, telling my friend that I was going to fatten up the children and eat them. And, that I was preparing the stove to cook them up. No one believed that I was a vegetarian, because the cop who arrested me told the judge that I was eating a turkey when he came in. - I guess my Tofu turkey looked too real.   
  
I was sued by the children for emotional damages. They got all of my money.  
  
Now, I am facing life in prison. But, at least the food here is all meat flavoured vegetables. . . At least, I think they are vegetables. . .   
  
So that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. 


	5. The true story of Jack and the beanstalk

The true story of Jack and the beanstalk  
Kuroi Shi  
  
Dedicated to Angel of Death. Why? Because I can.  
  
Hey. My name is Kevin. and I am a giant. I am, like so many other wrongfully accused fairy tale characters, stuck here in 'The prison for fairy tale bad guys.' That damn Jack kid and his mother had me arrested for attempted murder. I should have had them arrested for Trespassing on private property, Breaking in, and theft.  
This is my story.  
  
I was in my house practising for a play, - I was playing Hannibal in Scilence of the lambs - meets Shakespeare at the community theatre next friday - When I heard the ground shake. Which was rather odd, concidering that I lived no where near an earthquake zone, or fault line. I went outside to see what the shaking was from. And, I a little - Really little - man climbing onto my property, through a hole that a giant plant busted through my highly expensive stone driveway. I was rather pissed off, but I decided Not to kill the little man. But, instead I would go back inside and eat lots of chocolate, while practising for my play. - I have problems with anger management, and the last time I took my anger out on someone, He ended up loosing a few teeth, and he was a giant like me. Imagine what I could do to little dude, that is only 5 and a half feet tall.   
  
I took a seat at the kitchen table, with my golden goose, and my talking magic golden harp - Practising with Bill, and Katie (Yes the goose, and harp have names) helped me memorise the lines - and began reading my lines out loud. 'Fee fi fo fum. I smell the blood of an enghish man. I will grind his bones to make my bread.' -See, waht did I tell ya. . . Scilence of the lambs, meets Shakespeare. - Personally, I think eating human bones is rather gross. - But that Jack kid obviously thought me practising my play was some sort of threat.  
  
While I was practising, I saw the little man climb up on my table, and hide behind a salt shaker. I picked it up, and moved it out of the way.  
  
"Please, Don't kill me Mr. Giant." Said the little man, who had taken cover behind the pepper shaker.  
"Then would you please leave my house. I do not recall inviting you in." I told him ever so politely. "What are you doing in my house anyway."  
"I'm just here to . . . Umm . . . nothing!" Shouted the little man, as he ran toward the edge of the table and jumped off.  
  
I assumed he was just a kid, who was dared to come into my house. - I get that alot. - So, I went back to practising my play, and had completly forgotten about the little man.   
  
"Fee Fi Fo Fum. I smell the blood of an english man!" I was pacing up and down the hall, while reading my lines. "Hmm . . That can't be right. I have to sound a bit scarier, but less mad. Fee Fi fo fum. I smell the blood of an english man. I will grind his bones to make me bread. Much better." I thought out loud. "Dude! Who wrote this crappy play! Who the hell talks like that! What does Fee Fi Fo fum mean anyway." I said to myself.   
  
Then suddenly, I heard some noise in my kitchen. I went to check it out, and saw the little man with both my goose, and my harp. The harp was screaming "Help me Mr. Kevin! And the goose was freaking out."  
  
The little man was running toward the door. I ran after him. I didn't want him to escape with my 2 best friends.  
  
"I'm just taking back what belongs to me!" Shouted the little man.  
"Get back here with my friends kid!" I shouted back.  
  
He escaped through the 1 foot crack between my floor, and the front door. I followed him. He jumped down the giant plant thing that was growing right in the middle of my expensive stone driveway. I followed him. As I was climbing down the giant plant thing, that killed my expensive drive way, I saw a little man down below choping it down. - That didn't help them to much, because I am a giant, and I could still see my house from the bottom of the giant plant. I just stepped off the top of the plant, and safely made it to the ground without hurting anyone.   
  
I picked up the little kid, who stole my stuff. "Yoink" I took my stuff back. I was about to step back up the hill to mu house, when I felt something prick my leg. There was another little dude standing on my foot, with an axe, hacking at my leg. - Hey, I may be a giant, but a tiny axe striking my leg repeatedly really hurts!  
  
As I bent over to flick the little guy off, a man from the Giant-Human alliance arrested me.  
  
The little dude claimed that Bill, and Katie belonged to Jacks father, and I killed his father, and stole his most prized posessions. And, that when Jack was trying to retrieve the items, I threatened to eat him. Of course no one believed I was practising for a play.  
  
The Giant-Human alliance people were pretty pissed off at me. They had spent years trying to get Giants and Humans to live together in peace, and now because of what I was charged with, the trust between Giants and Humans which took so many years to establish, was completly shattered in one court case.  
  
So, I am facing a 15 year sentance in 'The prison for fairy tale bad guys." But, the people here are pretty nice.   
  
I am no longer a Giant. The prison gaurds had brought in a witch, and she "Reducio"ed my ass, so I am normal size now. They told me that if I was going to treat humans badly, I had to live as one. . . But, I know they only did it so I would fit in the cells. And just between us. . . I like being small. I don't hit my head on the celling, and I don't have to worry about stepping on anyone.   
  
That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 


End file.
